the sexy goddess with all the arms sent me a link to this article that was so hilarious i decided i needed to share as well. the awesomeness speaks for itself. enjoy!

“Handing this card to an adult is rude. Handing it to a baby would be awesome, though.” ~ Alice Laussade

hahahaaaa. eyestabs.

i’d run out of these quick! good lord. now if only someone would make some for turning down date hollers. i’m tired of repeating myself.

ok this is where our real friendship began. because until this day we were merely co-workers who had been out of the office together a a couple times but i still didn’t know this chick and she didn’t know me. i’d say we had ideas and we were definitely curious but we’re not the types to seek that shit out. i mean. if you’re going to be my friend, it will be because something universal brought us together. repeatedly. and in good humor.

i can’t remember what exactly happened. i think… oh yes. my car window was busted out at my kid’s daycare in the parking lot. yep. i was literally inside for 3.2 minutes picking up my toddler and come back out to find my passenger window shattered and my bag stolen. for real. i was stunned. how could this happen…. IN A DAYCARE PARKING LOT? ok whatever. i have since learned my lesson. i’d like to report that the 2 skank hoes that did their deed were sorta caught at the bank where they tried to … get this… MAKE A DEPOSIT… hahahahahaaa i still don’t get this part but that’s what the bank teller reported to the cops. they went through the drive thru teller and used my drivers license in attempt to make a deposit… and the teller noticed the blonde chicks in the car didn’t resemble the asian chick in the ID picture and retained it! yay! they peeled out when they were further questioned but… i got my drivers license back! i have to add that i tragically lost a beloved piece of comic art and literature that day because in that bag was the only copy I have ever seen of the compiled Hookie + Baba cartoons my close friend Jeff Jank created and gave to me. Insert grieving sighs and woe.

OK. So anyway, the point of all that was my car was messed up and I was waiting to have it repaired and needed a ride to work. So I called Ally to ask for a ride. She said no problem. I knew she lived near me and luckily I still had her phone number from the last time we hung out. When she pulled up I realized I wasn’t sure what I just got myself into. Here was a 19 year old girl in a slut red chevy cobalt, the same slut red chevy cobalt that conveniently left a slut red mark on the side of my black jetta door when “the wind blew so hard it caused the door to fly open” hitting my car parked next to it and left what I like to consider lipstick stains on the side of my car. I let it go because who can be mad at a stolen kiss? I’ve stolen plenty really.

I open the passenger door to get in and realize there is someone else in the car. LT, another coworker who is an overweight black woman who worked in accounting at our office. I was looking at an odd couple to say the least. This was coincidentally LT’s first time to carpool with Ally as well and as I got in, our carpool crew was officially initiated. Even though I only needed a ride a few days until my car was fixed, the three of us continued to ride to and from work together most days to save gas since we lived on the other side of town. This was great! I had no idea but I was in for a major pivotal period in my lifetime. These women made me laugh and cry and everything in between. How diverse a group we were. I will never forget that first day, riding along, enjoying the convenience, and learning en route that our dear driver had not been to bed yet and was actually still drunk from the night before. She was wearing some furry topped calf height boots and a mini skirt with a wooly vest and aviator glasses. I remembered she had hit a curb and busted her tire the last escapade and began praying for my life. She seemed fine tho honestly. I couldn’t tell except for maybe the open but empty beer can in the front cup holder and a wired kind of energy drink vibe. Oh well, I wasn’t going to be critical of this saint that was taking me to work, allowing me to keep my job, who without hesitation agreed to give me a ride along with another co-worker. I thought to myself, this girl must be remarkable. And she definitely is. :)

Absolutely nothing. That’s right. This country that I love and represent let’s me down. In the name of whatever, we continue to sacrifice our most honorable citizens in the fight for democracy here and abroad, to leave them hanging when they need support most. Why are our veterans and heroes so severely neglected after their courageous, tireless work is done? This is where democracy does no good. The fight is not worthwhile. Their efforts are sabotaged by the failure to follow thru by helping them when they can’t help themselves much less anyone else. Why are we fighting for other countries when we need to fight for ourselves first? We are no good to the world if we are no good to ourselves. That is the tragedy of all of this now 10 years later and countless more lives still being lost.

We must strive to right this terrible wrong.

stupidity grieves me. so whenever someone is stupid, i literally experience all 5 stages of grief. unfortunately, it’s quite a disruptive and time consuming process.

1. i am shocked that someone could be so stupid. it causes me to go into denial in my mind, isolating myself from others because stupidity has caused me such distress i must set apart time for myself to process this tragedy.

2. i get angry because stupidity should and could have been avoided yet was so carelessly demonstrated to all of our loss.

3. i begin to bargain. what could i trade in return for non-stupidity? sadly, nothing.

4. i become depressed because of this useless bargaining at the hand of some dummy’s stupidity.

5. alas i accept that people are stupid and i must get over it for they will continue to exist long into the future and i will no doubt have many more encounters with such stupidity, so i better get used to it or spend my life in denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, and/or depression.

luckily i’ve gotten pretty efficient at running thru these stages many times in a single day. however, don’t be stupid on my account. we all must do our part to rid the world of stupidity, one person at a time.

I just finished moving to a new apartment in a new neighborhood. The tree in front is prettier than the apartment. It’s been tough. Thank God it’s over. I was emailed today a followup from the moving company to ask how my move went. I think I was a total bitch in my response email. What do you think? (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Follow Up Email Message:

Good Afternoon Customer Lady,

I wanted to touch base with you regarding your move.  I wanted to verify that our movers did move you and that everything went well.

Your opinion is important to us.  If your move went great, please respond to this email and let us know.  If you had any issues we also want to hear about those as well.

Thank you in advance for your time!

Ms. Accounting Coordinator
Blah Blah Blah Company

My Detailed Response:

Hi Ms. Accounting Coordinator, I’m happy to let you know how the move went. Thank you for contacting me.

The company name is You-Move-Free, but I paid $101.00 in “extras” that I have never had to pay for with previous moving companies. This amount was in addition to the “hourly labor” costs that must have been at least $200 since that is what I would have been given had I chosen the rebate instead of the “free” move.

Mr. Mover Guy called a few hours in advance of the scheduled time and said they could come early if I was ready. They offered to wait if I wasn’t ready but in this Summer heat I was delighted to help them get their hard work out of the way as well as my own. I told them I was ready enough and to please come whenever was good for them. Most of my stuff had been boxed up and I ran out of boxes to pack the rest. I have been moving the rest myself this entire week due to the “extra” costs my other things would have run had I asked your team to move them for me. Oh well!

The whole time they worked, I honestly felt a creepy vibe. I am a friendly, cordial person so I was a little put off when the movers were not so much. I realize they are there to work and not talk. The other man with Mr. Mover Guy seemed really unwilling to approach me or talk to me. Perhaps he is instructed not to look at the customer but I thought it was strange and wondered if he was an ex-convict or something to make him literally look in the opposite direction. I suppose this is much better than being glared at by the movers. I personally prefer to make eye contact with people.

Anyway, when they were leaving I gave Mr. Mover Guy the $101.00 in cash. He then showed me that the corner of my coffee table glass top had been chipped off during the move, which was very dangerous for me and my 7 year old daughter. There was no apology or explanation, as moving it must have been self-explanatory. I thanked him for bringing the hazard to my attention, and they left. While unpacking I noticed one of my expensive custom art frames had been damaged as well. An ugly gash in the front of the frame had been chipped out of the wood which now shows a different color. I’m not sure how I am going to repair it. I don’t think I’ll be able to as it is a custom frame, without paying to get it completely re-framed. Custom art frames, especially the larger ornate styles, are very expensive and hard to find as they typically become discontinued. This was very disappointing but I was exhausted and just glad to have the bulk of everything moved.

I appreciate the move and help of course. I am not sure how your company perceives these kinds of incidents but I personally wouldn’t use the moving service again nor recommend it to anyone I know. My apartment locator was perfect however, so this experience has been bittersweet. Moving is tough for everyone and I don’t look forward to having to do it again ever.

Sorry I wasn’t happier with my move, however expressing myself has been mildly therapeutic.

Thanks!
Customer Lady

ive finally slowed down enough to mourn the passing of mr. gil scott-heron. a deep sadness lurks but moreso a rebellious celebration overcomes as his amazing life story, catalogue of work, undeniable inspiration and authenticity remain a brightest of bright lights in this world. may your spirit accomplish all the leaps and bounds you sought while alive in your painless after-life. bless you <3 thank you! rest in power

It’s pretty regularly that I go off on people. It doesn’t last long. I just pop off. It’s not always offensive. I just have these reactions where I will say things without hesitation. I facebooked about it yesterday. Like to hear it? Here it go.

It’s all too easy to have fun with photoshop. I took all of a minute to make this animated gif of my typical series of scowls that usually come directly after someone asks me a stupid question. It’s like my ‘hell no face of disgust’ but animated. Pasted below for your viewing pleasure. Just ask me if I have a sewing kit in my desk….

So today a homie of mine asked me if I was religious. We had touched on this topic a little about a week before but it’s just been one of those days where I have been breaking things down on the real. She wasn’t the only one, trust me, only I broke my foot off on some others and it wasn’t about my spiritual beliefs or my own understanding of how to live right. So since this was an email conversation, I will post it with minor changes for consistency and to protect the privacy of the innocent. But basically it went a little something like this:

Homie: happpy goodfriday! lol. tomorrow i can finally eat beef and pork!

MacHoney: LMAO! i forgot you’re catholic. how’s things?

Homie: haha. child catholic. i havent been to church in forever. things are good i suppose…

MacHoney: you need to hit that confessional huh? LMAO

Homie: HELLZ YA i need to hit up the confessional. be there all day. forgive me father for i have sinned. i don’t remember ALL my sins but please forgive all my sins. ahahah.

MacHoney: hahah My friend at work says she confesses for her friends too. :P Truth is you’re forgiven if you confess them to God which you can do anywhere and all by yourself. LOL that’s what Easter is supposed to be about, thankfulness for absolute atonement from sin through the perfection of Christ’s sacrifice for us!

Homie: are you religious? catholics are strict and i dont believe in all of their beliefs. i guess that’s another reason why i dont really follow. im catholic bc my parents are. Now that they sold the business, they’ve been going to church. i havent gone with them yet. what are you doing for easter?

MacHoney: this goes back to our convo about religion vs. beliefs vs. spirituality etc. etc.  :) Yes I am a believer that Jesus Christ died for our sins and stands for us before the Father so we may be clean in His sight. I’m more of a bible student than any particular faith. My mother was Buddhist and my dad was Christian. I have been to Catholic, Baptist, Episcopal, Protestant, and other types of church services. I’ve been to small groups, tent meetings and mega-churches. I prefer more of a community outreach.

My friend and I are planning to attend service at Irving Bible Church (IBC) and they’re also having an egg hunt at like 9am!! My daughter is getting to the age that she is learning more about prayer and God, Jesus, and the spiritual realm. I bought her a children’s prayer book and she likes it a lot. We’ve blessed our meals and she’s had communion once with my boyfriend and I! It was really sweet. I kept the cup. He gets to-go cups at his church! LOL!

Catholicism is very ceremonial and follows a lot of rules I don’t think are necessary. The Bible teaches that because Jesus lives in our hearts, we have a direct connection to Him so there is no need to confess our sins to a priest to receive atonement. We confess to each other and to God when we have a heavy heart but really Jesus has already covered our sins. We’ve already been forgiven. He’s not on the cross bleeding to death in pain anymore. He’s resurrected! So instead of harping on all the crap we do wrong and the countless sins we’ve committed, we accept that we are not perfect and therefore will sin! It’s kinda pointless to try to be perfect because we’re not. The only human that has been without sin was Jesus which is why his crucifixion was a perfect sacrifice out of love for us, God’s children.

So rather, we should live in a constant state of gratitude and thankfulness because we’ve already been forgiven; God already receives us because of Jesus. That’s why they say the Blood of the Lamb covers all sin. His blood was clean, pure without sin, and it shed on Calvary for our sins so that when we come face to face with God the Father, He sees Christ’s purity standing in for us instead of our sinful unholy human nature. Does that make sense?

We are free from the bondage of sin, death, guilt, lack, disease, all of that! The enemy is a liar and gets into our heads by whispering lies to plant seeds of doubt in our minds and hearts. Doubt is the way he tried to trick Jesus in the valley. Do you know the story of the 40 days and 40 nights Jesus withstood satan’s temptation? He quoted scripture, the holy word of God to repel the devil’s lies and defeat him! That’s what we’re supposed to do, following Jesus’ example, by knowing the word so that when we are tempted to doubt or fear, we proclaim the truth in God’s word and stand on our faith, knowing that we are more than conquerors thru Christ who lives in us. :D

So there ya go. LOL i can go off huh? what’s awesome is my boyfriend and I can talk about this stuff and we share the same beliefs.

God provides and is faithful. That’s all you need to know.

Prayer is like an open invitation from God to be friends, to have fellowship with Him. Prayer is not just telling God our needs or our problems, but in fact it is a proactive expression of gratitude to God, thanking Him because we have already begun to receive the answers for our prayers. It’s pretty awesome when you think of it that way. Jesus has already done the work. We don’t have to beg or whine ‘please God this’ or ‘please Jesus help me with that.’ Our faith is demonstrated when we thank Him in advance. God already knows what we need and how we need it better than and before we ever do!

It’s silly how many people claim to be believers but bear no fruit. One of the signs that people are true disciples of Christ is that we get prayers answered! When we bear much fruit He is glorified. The fruit of the Spirit are characteristics like love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Maturity in Christ will show these qualities consistently in the lives of believers. Many are not mature in Christ, but practice helps us grow.

Homie: hahaha. you just went off.

MacHoney: toldja. lol my advice to you is to read the new testament. it would be a good place to start with an open heart about God. it’s much easier to read than the old testament and it’s more relative to our lives in this age. there’s still a lot of outdated things they refer to but the message is about the Love of God and the life of Jesus.

Homie: get it girl!!

MacHoney: have you ever read the bible?

Homie: not to it’s entirety.

i shouldn’t be surprised. i mean really. i shouldn’t be so upset. but dang it, i hate shopping and i finally found some shoes i liked online and actually had the money, so i bought them. these stupid shoes pictured above were in a beautifully filmed commercial ad my friend created which is how i found out about them. they are advertised as skateboarding shoes, endorsed and named after a professional skater. well i bought them and guess what? they’re clearly not worth what i paid for them. and i’m fucking pissed. now i have to reverse the positive feelings associated with the convenience of the online purchase to negative disappointed feelings associated with the inconvenience of having to physically return the shoes to a store location or further lose the cost of shipping these shits back to the store.

i wonder how that skater felt wearing his own cheap shoes. he’s obviously not bothered by them because he can do what he does regardless of his shoes. but does he know? didn’t he look at them and go, “man, i can’t believe what pieces of shits these shoes are. oh well, i got my own shoe. fuck it. i can’t do anything about it anyway.” well damn. i’m sorry cuz you should have said something. now i have to blog about these bullshits and your name is all over them. oh well, huh?

but i know it’s not the skaters fault. he probably had nothing to do with how they were made or designed. it’s the shoe company. maybe their based in china. shit i don’t know. but i’m seeing a pattern and it’s just depressing. sacrificed quality for quantity and profit. at the ultimate expense of the consumer. i’m referring to manufacturers that choose to have their products made (typically in foreign countries) at cheaply run factories where employees could give 2 shits about what the end user will have to deal with, when they are making whatever chump change just to feed their kids. i’m making a generalization but give me a break. i’m a hardworking single mother who demands value for my money and what do i get? bullshit. bullshit! everything that is made anymore is just cheap shits from china.

what the hell is going on??? what in the world is to gain by selling junk besides disgruntled customers and a bad reputation? any seeds you sow with the outlook that the profit of selling cheap crap to customers that are underprivileged or misinformed enough to settle for them, will only produce a crappy bullshit harvest. didn’t anyone realize this when they started sending shit overseas to be made? didn’t people see the difference in their products? did they ever have high standards or do they sleep at night soundly without the slightest notion of their lost integrity? i guess you can’t miss what you never had. i’m so fed up with this country’s economy and the dumb people that think these counter-productive directions are the way to go.

what is so hard to understand about doing the right thing? professionalism and ethics. where have they gone? i don’t know but i’m really sick of cheap crap. why do people ever think it is a good idea to sacrifice quality for lower cost? especially regarding shoes! these are our feet that we walk with all our lives. i spend $110 on some sneakers, i want some good comfortable well-made shoes! not some glorified bullshit. the soles on these shoes feel like some fake keds i wore as a kid. canvas shoes. do those look like canvas shoes??? no they look like sneakers. sneakers are supposed to be comfortable. they’re supposed to have a little more in the sole section. these shoes have thin soles. my foot was so sad when i tried one shoe on last night. i personally would have priced these shoes at $30-40. They’ll be $20 at ross when they’ve all been returned because they’re cheap.

shoes are probably the least of my concerns as even the food in america is cheaply made. that’s a whole other blog post. fuck fucking industry and the fucking bullshit people running them and the human race into the ground. the whole world for that matter. but why am i surprised? it’s been happening for years…

ok. so my daughter is 7 and in 2nd grade. she’s learning how to read chapter books, details about the election process, vocabulary words, number lines, written evaluations of scientific experiments, reading and comprehension, etc. etc. basically she is learning how to consistently follow very specific directions or be corrected. she has to learn to be responsible for her own things! her own assignments. her own messes and projects. i instill this already at home but it is much tougher in the classroom. i’ve had a few conversations, written notes, and attended a conference which her father made a point to show up for. because it was going to be that important. the papers my daughter were bringing home were marked with various marks, percentages, grades and specific comments that, well, i wasn’t expecting my daughter to comprehend. i can’t recall how i was graded in second grade but these were at least middle school grading standards. what did i miss? anyway, we’ve realized that while the grades set the bar high, they are designed to be achieved after some months of getting with the program. by the program, i mean the routine of what is expected on a daily basis in her classroom. ugh. so that means i have to let my child learn her own habits and hopefully get with the program! luckily repetition is useful for memorizing and becoming more robotic, automatic in response and programmed in essence, to follow the leader. dude. i am having issues but so far so good. communication is key and i have to let my own expectations hang back while i allow her to be her own person. can i just admit that the whole thing is a joy but it is also really irritating sometimes? there are sooooo many little picky details the teacher wants to see and will point out in whatever fashion she will if she doesn’t see compliance. it’s important, i know this. i understand she has to get the hang of following instructions exactly or else she’s missing key elements to communicating properly and accurately. paying attention to detail is something i have a knack for that i’m not sure my daughter has quite yet. i’m feeling that this is a learned behavior, which i learned as a small child in my military, and at times militant, household. she’s not getting that. like, not at all. i’ve seen other kids. i can’t say she is spoiled. she’s pretty limited in what she can do, explore, play with, have, see, be exposed to, etc. because frankly, we can’t afford much. but she has a sassiness that i can’t blame entirely on her father. ha! she gets conduct reports with checks or stickers each day she is in class. checks are coming pretty rapidly and i’m learning these aren’t always worth disciplining her over. i mean, she already gets a lower grade on a homework assignment when it is turned in late. why then is it necessary to get a checkmark on her conduct sheet for the day, for turning in the assignment late? i think it’s redundant and nit picky. i am thankful for her teacher and she is wonderful all around. i enjoy her and i believe my daughter is one of her favorite and perhaps best students this year. but man it’s hard to watch all these little things being pointed out and graded! so many things are parts of people’s personality which makes them unique! it’s not wrong but if it’s not exactly what the lesson is intended to teach the student gets a consequential grade, a grade lesser than the highest grade, a lower grade, as if to imply some fault or defect. this, i don’t agree with nor do i like. but i’m gonna see what happens. her first report card came back with all As and i feel confident she will improve as the year goes on but even if her grades drop, i will know she is doing what she can and means well. her dad and i stay in contact and discuss issues as they come up which is a blessing. but i gotta tell ya, responsibility is something we all are still learning! poor little 2nd graders!!! my heart goes out to all of you. good luck and whatever you do, don’t freak out when they tell you it’s not what they wanted. it will never be what they wanted anyway. be happy to be an individual. you are human and not a robot.